Stop giving unwanted gifts
NML at Baggage Reclaim posted a message to ‘Stop Giving To Men That Don’t Deserve or Want It‘. As often happens, I agree with much of what NML says, and have different views of why things happen that way.
I think there is a difference between giving a gift and paying for something. I consider a gift to be anything that the receiver did not request, that the receiver values the gift, and that the gift increases the receiver’s appreciation for the giver. The ‘success’ of the gift depends entirely on the giver.
On the other hand, there is a similarity. With a purchase, the person paying determines what they want in return for the value they give up. With a gift the person giving doesn’t choose what is returned, but does expect a reciprocal gift to demonstrate that the first gift was indeed appreciated. The success of a purchase is a matter of barter.
Every gift of time, shared activity, or monetary value makes a statement, and is given with a specific purpose in mind. The purpose may be ritual — such as an engagement ring, a spontaneous show of affection, or a means to manipulate by emotion or family or social pressure. Really. TAANSTAAFL (There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch) and there isn’t any such thing as a no-strings attached gift. The giver expects an appreciation for the gift in some way, sometimes in a display of appreciation for the gift, other times in reciprocal displays or offerings. Sometimes the return is as stated in Balance of Trade (Sharon Lee and Steve Miller), “The proper Balance for a gift freely given is to use it wisely and with honor, so that the giver is neither shamed nor regretful of his generosity.”
The ungrateful guy getting presents of affection or value isn’t receiving a gift.
The giver hasn’t found a gift that the guy appreciates, and that also increases his appreciation of the giver. This is not a gift. He is collecting taxes. When you give a gift, and the gift fails both tests — value for it’s sake, and increases the receiver’s appreciation of you, that has nothing to do with him. As giver, you failed to know and understand him well enough to pick an appropriate gift. Or he feels manipulated, threatened, or cheapened — he doesn’t appreciate that gift from you. That means your gift fails it’s purpose, again your failure — he doesn’t appreciate the reason you gave the gift.
NML can state that if he is inattentive, being attentive to him likely won’t help much. The problem I see is that he may not be comfortable being attentive. You may have done something that he didn’t understand, he may be thinking of other things. Or he may be messing around, or unskilled in being an intimate partner. My suggestion? This goes back to a comment in a teacher’s book, ‘you don’t try to outshout a temper tantrum, that only increases the noise level.’ Instead, stay warm and ‘quiet’ in the relationship sense. Take care of yourself, stick pretty much to your routine, and keep yourself as content and open as possible. Focus first on restoring affection, then bolstering loyalty. If lust doesn’t fall out naturally, try an approach (a gift) that works for him. Remember each touch, each hour together, sharing bedroom and table, are gifts — if what you give isn’t received, it isn’t a gift.
I don’t believe that love is forever. I believe that what we call love is about loyalty, and affection, and a hormone storm we call a ‘sex drive’. I believe that love can happen to us, that the first expressions may be any of the three — affection, lust, loyalty. Lust is about hormones, that comes and goes. Adrenaline, fuel for terror and anger, takes several minutes to peak in the system, 28 minutes to pass (if not renewed). Affection, feelings of delight, joy, and comfort brighten our days, but ebb and flow with each moment’s experience. Enduring love is strong on loyalty, that is why trust, respect, and integrity are so essential.
Love is a question that is never asked: Do I want to be here? Kelly Clarkson in ‘Walk Away’ “I’m looking for attention/Not another question/Should I stay or should I go?/If you don’t know the answer/Why you still standing here?!/Just walk away.” (Or something like that.)
I believe we can damage another’s love for us to end that relationship. And I believe that we can recognize that continued lust, affection, and loyalty to another is no longer something we can continue and be responsible to ourselves and others. Love can end.
In times past loyalty to birth family, to social conventions kept most marriages intact in name. Today society tells us that when we find an object of affection and/or lust, that ‘love’ is true and eternal. Then we later confront the problem of loyalty. And the only loyalties involved are to each other, and possibly to children. So today we are much more successful at killing a relationship than the family-arranged marriages of the past. All it takes is to mostly violate a couple of the three basic parts: loyalty, affection, lust.
And back to giving when he doesn’t treasure the gift or the giver. If you can’t give what he needs, because he wants something you can’t give, or because he doesn’t want you to gift hem, then consider what the level of affection, lust, and loyalty exists in your life, what feelings you have toward him. If you have a question, ask your friends what they think, or your pastor or priest. Or ask at the nearest women’s shelter how to tell.
Hint: Before getting serious with a partner, be sure to get a ‘review’ with friends or family. Once they know him (more than one meeting), get a) five trusted friends, or b) both parents, or c) one parent and three friends to agree that: 1) the prospective partner would be a reasonable co-parent for children, and that 2) the prospect would be a reasonable partner for you. This requires several things: Trusted friends, as in ‘reliable designated driver’ trusted, people that know you; your partner is able to appear loyal, honest, affectionate, and responsible with them, and; you observe that your prospective partner behaves similarly in public, private, and with family.
If it seems too difficult, too complicated, or too much work on your part, remember that he is trying to learn about you, too.
Happy lust, affection, and loyalty!
As always, you make excellent points. You have honed in the dynamics of giving and recognised that if she doesn’t take care of herself and stand back a little, she risks getting into very negative, unhappy behaviour. I like your point about how a partner is around family and friends – many people choose to ignore this but it is generally a very important indicator.
Actually, I meant the part about friends and family, to mean that you have to have friends to ask. People that haven’t learned to keep friends, and that are also estranged from family, are less skilled in evaluating the people they encounter, understanding what motivates the people around them, and are less practiced in managing how much energy and resources they want to devote to nurturing the various people in their lives. I consider making the three or five friends a necessary first step, to be accomplished before considering taking a mate.
And you are right. Taking advice into consideration when making choices is important. People that can ask advice, then make their own decision, are more likely to make good choices. And it is *critical* that the prospect appear to be the same person with each friend and parent, and the person considering a commitment. Prospects that wear different faces for different people may not know themselves at all, or may be prone to deception and camouflage (i.e., lack of integrity and respect).