You know you did a good job of parenting a daughter, if her father respects her choice in husband (Sterling Instituted of Relationship, ~1989). Your father doesn’t necessarily have to like her choice, but the respect must be there. ‘Tolerate’ sounds pretty iffy. My caution? Look around, find examples of good families, and pay a lot of attention to the way that they act, what they favor. The reason? I am concerned that using only your own childhood, you may not have a ‘full set of tools’ for married life and family life. This would be great advice for everyone, to learn from other successes, use what seems good and worthwhile. Where there are indications that your parents don’t have your respect, where there are fundamental disagreements (not politics or other socially ‘normal’ arenas of disagreement), this will be especially important.

I would say the ‘best’ examples would be disciplined — instructions don’t get repeated, everyone works with good cheer, the practice of ‘listening’ to others is very active. Emotionally quiet, outburst are moderate, brief, very few grudges or lasting resentments. Respect, very few harsh words for anyone, family or not. Strong, healthy sense of security, protectiveness of each other. House is at least moderately clean (clutter doesn’t count).

You will become your mother. In stress, over time, we rediscover what happened in our childhoods. And those patterns re-enter our lives, only we swap sides of the experience. Very reassuring when we are confused, quite disquieting when we didn’t enjoy the experience the first time. Among the myriad ‘famous last words’, “I’ll never do that to my kids!” Maybe, maybe not. My suggestion is to get to know other families, learn all you can about the many ways things are done well.

Hint: Learn to see your family clearly. Learn their strengths, their weaknesses. Plan how to teach your kids your own values, while still claiming for them the love and history your family has to offer their grandchildren.

Enjoy!

Ms. Annie D., Thanks for the kind words. My thoughts about getting ‘approval’ was mostly about meeting trusted friends/family before trying to bind yourself to a marriage. My thought was that time and repeated exposure would let warning signs, like, maybe his irritation that you have friends, impatience with anything but sex, anger or other violence, deceit, maybe an arrogant or disrespectful demeanor. I was thinking that observing your prospect as they interact with people that you trust would be reassuring or disquieting. That letting your friends/family get to know him before you select the wedding party shoes, lets them get to know him — avoiding much well-meant but misguided ‘advice’, as he becomes a person, not a ‘type’.

I forgot about the ‘heed the advice’ part. Thanks!

I am married and have been for over three years. My parents still do not approve of my choice, they tolerate him. I chose him on very logical grounds and I was intimate friends with him for several months before we dated, and by intimate I do not mean physical. We waited until marriage to have sex.

My husband is a great guy, except on paper. Parents and family can usually only look at the external values and miss the real heart of the person. Also my parents do not really understand me and my needs very well. They think they understand me better than anyone else, but they don’t. A lot of women my age I know are married to guys who look a lot better on paper with degrees and good jobs and stable family backgrounds. They are constantly fighting with them, or even more often living in stony silence and unable to talk about what really matters.

Parents look at jobs and external lifestyle. I looked at his heart and willingness to please me because he loved me and to work hard to care to give us a decent life. First and foremost we are friends.

I tend to stay away from the phrase, “Family Values,” because it’s been co-opted by certain factions in ways that make me uncomfortable.

But I DO like your concept of introducing a potential partner to trusted “family” members (whatever that means in a person’s life) before making serious mating choices.

Then, of course, you also have to LISTEN to that feedback, and sometimes people simply won’t

When you think about it, it’s truly amazing how people make such big choices in love from such an insular perspective. It’s wise to try to see that potential partner through the eyes of others.

Happy, Happy New Year to you Brad!