The transition from school day crowds to married couples.
NML got me thinking on how we lost sight of selecting a mate, rather than finding a hot date. The hot date is for fun, only we should instead be spending our time finding and encouraging a lifetime mate and partner.
For most of us, great, great grandma *knew* what the point was about finding a husband. Great grandma surely knew. Grandma probably knew. Mom might have known. But we have trouble hearing ‘truth’ from our parents — it all sounds like ‘You can’t do that because I said so!’, even when that isn’t what they tell us.
The problem may be loneliness, and being alone. In the modern world parents routinely send their children away, to be with other children. Or they send them (or allow the children to be enticed) into another room to let TV, radio, music, electronic games, and other computer exposures to occupy their time. All these activities reinforce the social rule, "kids don’t spend time with adults", meaning the only relief from being alone, is either popular media or classmates. We send kids to Sunday School during church — to keep them from being restless and ‘disrupting’ services. We have baby sitters to care for kids when parents take in after-hours entertainment or business functions. After a lifetime (for the young people) of being sent away for instruction, entertainment, and so they aren’t seen or heard, the pressure to ‘fit in’ is enormous.
Then kids graduate, either high school or college. And begin the transition from ’social by group’ to ’social by mate’. Only no one really comes out and explains that this transition is necessary. No one in the world the young person is accustomed to turn to for advice has any inkling of how or why to choose a life mate — that information is freely available from the parents, church, and schools that sent the kids somewhere else. Even graduating school is a clear message that ‘this school is done with you — go away, we have other things to do’. It is a tough world.
Don’t get me wrong. There are many people that maintain good communications with their parents, neighbors, and extended family. That learn from watching and listening what people they respect think about social and personal values. From watching my classmates and community, I think the people that invest the most in participating with ‘the crowd’, have the most problem thinking of meeting their own needs, and finding someone else that will help them through the rest of their lives.
Since all of our friends drink at a certain bar, read certain magazines, find certain boys or girls desirable, we follow along, forgetting there is a goal beyond being accepted by our friends. This issue seems to be similar to the problem of marrying the lead cheerleader or captain of the football team. The captain and the cheerleader have invested a large part of their lives to excel in a specific endeavor, and also to develop tremendous social skills to achieve their dreams. Only, the day after the wedding, the skills that possibly brought the couple together, that surely constitute a lot of the individual’s self-esteem, becomes a problem. A wife with skills to attract men isn’t focused on living her life with the man she married. The guy that dominated those around him, intimidated opponents, and is used to getting physical to get his way or to communicate, has a problem demonstrating the discipline, communication, and understanding that will be useful to raising children, let alone meeting the needs of his wife for the rest of his life. Those that pick a mate that fell outside the ‘in’ crowd, that didn’t hang with a group, that never dressed ‘hot’, that didn’t have a ‘reputation’ — seem to win more often, with suitable dates and prospects for marriage longevity.
If people blow off prospects because ‘there are other fish in the sea’, that is an example of nearly reasonable advice from peers. The girl dressing most provocatively gets asked for more dates, this is a fact of life today. But dressing provocatively, moving and speaking suggestively, driving the ‘baddest’ vehicle, these are other examples of weak advice from peers. It is the more fundamental values that get people married more happily, for longer. Simple things like — is she honest? is he kind? is she respectful to parents, elders, and kids? is he a hard worker? does she avoid drugs and drunks? does he have any skills towards a craft or career? is she good with kids? is he good with animals? does she control her temper? does he spend money wisely? is she responsible in all things? is he responsible in all things? Do they understand why they should be making babies?
Today’s culture is even more focused on conspicuous consumption, than the consumer driven economy that horrified our grandparents. I pray that we find a way to tell our kids that despite mass media, finding the wildflower with character is more precious that picking the flashiest flower in the flower bed.
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