Could it be ignorance?
NML has been ranting to women about how guys only want into their knickers, not a relationship.
Today’s entry, ‘10 Signs That a Guy Wants You Just For Sex‘, attempts to reassure women that it isn’t their imagination — there really are obstacles on the way to the altar.
The concise list NML gives is:
1. He tells you.
2. He is sexual towards you.
3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date.
4. He suggests that you become f*ck buddies, FWF’s, casual-something-or-other.
5. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal.
6. He doesn’t want to try to get to know your personality.
7. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex.
8. Your ‘relationship’ hasn’t progressed past him buying you drinks/dinner and ending up in bed.
9. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex.
10. Once the sex is over, he makes a hasty exit.
Of course, most of these actions on the part of the guy can be explained as pure, opportunistic evil, and I am sure that happens. Occasionally. But what if the guy never learned any better?
Different women have different values about men, integrity, character. Some have it, some don’t, and some have never thought about what they do. About the same as men, only in the USA women are the goal in sex, and men are the pursuers. At least in the classic sense, the reality is much more confused. Although the strategies have been abandoned — a chaste marriage to a man with strong character and reasonable prospects — much of the social etiquette is still expected — but learned hit-or-miss by the girls, and more missed than anything else by the guys.
Here is a conundrum, a poser, a puzzle: You cannot change a man you are dating, but there are important social rules and etiquettes that he doesn’t know. Can you teach him appropriate behavior (there are a lot of guys that never learned much beyond ‘American Pie 2′)? Keep in mind that what is ‘appropriate’ is essentially what the lady feels comfortable with, at the time. How do you explain what is expected? The military has a saying: Order, Counter-Order, Disorder. Keep your expectations and communications clear, or you risk driving him away — with a bad impression of you, and a confused ability to get to know the next girl he fancies. Which is maybe how you got him — already confused about what to do, how to act, and what is important *this time*.
I don’t know what you do. Suggest you enroll together in a social etiquette class? Take turns reading Emily Post to each other? I imagine that keeping to a non-sexual relationship until you get the basics of communication working would be a sound start. Oh, and be sober, and in a non-smoking, non-drinking atmosphere. Don’t pick a date at a sporting event, or bar, or grocery store, or other singles-action scene — this implies you are into singles ‘action’, not looking for a long term companion.
Unless you are just in it to get drunk and jump his bones. (I have met a couple of these ladies, too.)
As always I enjoyed your post. I think you’re absolutely right – some men don’t really seem to know better although they probably do on a deeper level unless they really are very rough cut. The reason why I lay out these possibilities is because despite the obviousness of the signs, many women choose to ignore them. Even if a guy is behaving like this, unless he is totally comfortable with being this way, many will rationalise to themselves that they are treating a woman better than they are because they’re not doing something them deem to be much worse. Social ettiquette is something that has become lost in transit. Maybe we should be having classes! Not you of course!