Men, Love and Sex
Annie at Smart at Love reviewed a recent book, Men Love and Sex.
Annie, I expect your reservation about the book — telling women to be kinder, gentler, but that men are what they are — is right on target. From another perspective, though, the ‘damage’ may not be as bad as it seems.
Women that make a good connection with their mate will be less likely to read a book like this, and likely need the advice less than others. They will be focused more on nurturing and daily growths and pains, and less on gender issues vs. a love life. (I am generalizing broadly, here, I know). All of us need the reminders that we hurt each other in small (and not so small) ways regularly, and need to be careful to show our love more than our expectations.
As for how to tell the guy that is disinterested from the guy being defensive? I would look to character, history, and friends. If he is well adjusted (in the psychology sense), honest (not just ‘relatively’, but really sterling), considerate and disciplined, then whether the guy is interested or feigning is irrelevant. Just continue on at a casual level of acquaintance until you do find out. If, on the other hand, his behavior raises questions, it doesn’t matter, either — run away. Fast.
The problem of pursuing a lady until the first sexual encounter, then losing interest, I think, comes in two parts.
The first is that TV and commercials have taught our nation an entire script (completely bogus and destructive, but ‘fashionable’) for dating. What were once polite manners have become an inability to decline. What was an evaluation of ability to provide has become status symbols. Social advantages weigh more than a solid character. And sex is more an objective than a blessing on a mating. The lady, as well as the guy, are both actively following a social script leading to … sex. Girls still hold the dream of ‘happily ever after’. Guys, though, have little idea what comes next. According to TV, their buddies, and what they see in the world around them, there is no point to continuing. Probably one good thing about a woman waiting for a wedding ring is that the guy has to face a change in his life — adapting to a mate, planning for cohabitation, considering children, evaluating work goals and incomes with a family and family home in mind. My concern about this ‘hostage’ approach is that left to themselves, few couples will really be objective about the ‘mating’ part, as they are interested in the ‘intimate’ part, at least at first. I think we have to be more careful about what parts of the ‘dating scene’ we can afford to participate in.
The other part, I think, is related to the first, the artificially goal-oriented approach to dating. That is, most of us are relatively unpracticed at sex, especially as relating to a new partner. We flounder, try things we have seen in movies, read in books, heard about. But for the most part, we are *present*. We feel our emotions, we experience our partner in a completely new fashion. And suddenly the trappings of dating — the colognes, the suggestive undergarments and outerwear, the jewelry, the hair style, the makeup, and all the rest are either removed, get in the way, or otherwise stop us from seeing the person we are with. The way we share, where our attention is focused, whether we communicate or not — these become clearer as the distractions and ‘enhancements’ fade from our attention. We get a clearer image of each other. Hurts and careless assumptions assume much more significance. The things we should have been looking for all along suddenly make sense. And that first intimate encounter is the most likely time that we realize — hey, we are not interested, or that she/he isn’t the one we want in our lives.
That first intimate encounter may (should not be!) a tremendous communication opportunity. Or an awakening.
So the fact that there are so many one night stands — and guys run into the problem of ‘she won’t return my call’ also — has to do more with failure to select the right partner, communicate adequately, and about how the ‘normal’ dating scene conceals true character so easily.
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