Horsemen have this saying, that you can tell a man’s character by his horse and his dog.
This came to mind today, at the local Pizza Inn buffet lunch. As I sat down, a 3-4 year old girl ran along the seat behind me (a long bench), tapping on the ledge between her seat back and mine. Annoying. She was looking at me, so I met her eye, raised an eyebrow in mild disapproval (she got the point). She grinned and said, “Hi!”, and I answered, “Hi.” back. Only instead of a cheery greeting, I answered so she knew I didn’t buy her cute act. And she returned to her seat, and was quiet the rest of her visit to the Pizza Inn that day.
This girl was not threatened, or even sad, about my response. In the first place, alone of the other adults and children present, I ’saw’ her. I greeted her. I acknowledged that she was there. She knew that getting caught walking on the bench, making noises, and talking to strangers were naughty, and accepted discipline cheerfully. Both of us knew the other enjoyed the encounter.
And I never did see the adult that was ‘guarding’ her.
A week ago or so in this same restaurant, I watched a lady bring in three kids, probably 3 1/2 to 6. They didn’t appear to all be from the same family. The middle kid, a boy, hit the other boy, the oldest, making him cry. The lady told middle kid to sit at the table — not stay with her — then she wandered off to the buffet for a plate for the little one, then took the two boys to get their lunch at the buffet.
The little girl was promptly up on the padded bench seat, and running back and forth. After a couple of trips past the table beside me she approached my table — looking at me very closely, but still running and bouncing on the padded bench. I was reading. I didn’t raise my head, but caught her eye, gave her a mild dirty look, and waited. She went back to her table and sat down. More of their party arrived and took the table between her and I, and the middle boy joined this party. That little girl remained with her table until she left.
I bless the time I spent as a substitute school teacher a couple of years ago. I read several books about classroom discipline — the single biggest problem skill for a teacher to master, and most important. If you cannot keep the kids focused on the lesson, then you lose time, and they lose learning opportunity. And every distraction, slip, note passed, comment made to a neighbor costs time in the classroom — and each problem begets others. You either keep a lid on all of it, or it will snow you under. My sixth day subbing I decided I should wear a t-shirt ‘Don’t Try Me, I’ve Subbed 7th Grade English’.
One of the books, ‘Tools for Teaching‘ by Fred Jones was really valuable. The book explains about how you have to manage the whole class. That if you sit, then the students 10 feet from you will start to act as if unsupervised. Where if you wander the room constantly, these ‘red zones’ stay under a couple of minutes and move around as you do. The result? The kids stay focused on the topic the teacher sets.
Another insight was the silent communication. See, I also helped a neighbor work his cows. It was freaky. I would read a section of the book, and without planning it showed up my next time in the class room. It also showed up working cows. What I learned in the classroom helped me move cows around, sort them, load them onto a trailer. What the cows taught me helped make the classroom work simpler, with more joy and more work accomplished. Freaky.
Having worked with a couple of horses to calm them and get them used to being handled, and having read John Lyons’ ‘Lyons on Horses‘ about his Resistance-Free training methods also helped. The Lyons book and Linda Tellington-Jones’ ‘Getting In TTouch‘ both emphasize watching the horse for signs of communication. So at times I find a kid has intruded into my life, only instead of ignoring them, grumbling (ignoring them), or driving them off, I offer a quiet bit of greeting, and maybe some discipline — a look, a stare, or a deliberate snub by turning away. If they aren’t misbehaving, a smile, a nod, or simply a glance to say ‘Hi!’
Usually the parents are unaware that their kid looked at the people around them. Often the parent was unaware the kid was misbehaving — or that someone quietly corrected the kid, the kid took the correction in good spirits, and the misbehavior was abated, at least as long as adults were looking. They are unaware that their kid grew, a little, as they weren’t watching.
Years ago I bought a book, ‘If I Am So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?‘ And I decided that while no one on this earth needs *my* greeting, everyone can enjoy *a* greeting. So I tend to nod at the people I see. A smile, or at least a pleasant expression (on the days I actually have joy to share). Maybe and exuberant, over-the-head, silly wave, not to ridicule but to act mildly frivolous, to entertain and share joy. About the only qualifier is that the person (adult or child), look at me, meet my eyes.
At the Pizza Inn, the waitress recognizes me, remembers I drink Dr. Pepper, but I only actually see her eyes every third or fourth visit. The other adults are usually polite, maybe one or two will ’see’ me. Kids are still used to looking to adults for guidance, for affirmation, and to assess the chances of joy and fun. “It’s Not Polite To Stare” is taught as kids get older, and I am not sure that is a kindness — to kids or to adults.
I traded a Shire filly draft horse some years ago. I had picked her up at an auction, and a friend found buyers for ‘Door T Suzie’ right away. This filly was very quiet natured, allowed herself to be led, groomed (mostly), let me enter her pen and handle her without a fuss. The buyers showed up and couldn’t load her. I stuck my nose in, got Suzie on the trailer. The lady told me ‘We have three girls at home, she (Suzie) will get all the loving she needs.” I was appalled. “She needs discipline before loving, ” I told them, though I am sure they didn’t hear me.
Small draft owners with only a few horses tend to use all the advanced techniques, training approaches, feed gimmicks, and gadgets of the light horse people. Some of the old time draft horse people will leave a foal in the breeding mare herd until it turns four (4) years old. At age four the light horse would be mostly grown. A four (4) year old draft horse will have two years more growth ahead, but the mind and thinking will be nearly complete, and the body ready for work. The secret for the old timers is the mares, you see. The lead mare will apply corrective disciplinary measures (kick the snot out of him) if a youngster misbehaves. The correction will be serious enough that it doesn’t often happen twice. And the misbehavior is always corrected, without fail, so the foal learns early and very well that ‘rules are rules, for always’. This sets the young horse at four (4) years to be harnessed with an experienced horse, and with a couple of days familiarization with the bit and harness, go to work.
I am not a guru. There is a lot of discipline that is beyond me. But I have found a bit of joy in my life, and I don’t mind sharing a bit, with those with eyes to .. see.
One big problem we run into with older kids, is that rules are seldom rules. There are always exceptions, and the big exception is parents and schools and governments that act as if rules only apply if you get caught.
You want your kid to behave? Then be careful about claiming President Bush violated the law by wiretapping outside the law. Or sign the criminal complaint yourself. Don’t claim driving over the speed limit is OK today, or drive through a stop light and claim ‘I will stop twice next time’. Don’t say ‘Come right home, okay?’, say ‘Come right home. Hear me?’ No choices — rules are rules.
Oh, and watch how your kid behaves in public. If she/he stops misbehaving, try to figure out who did what — there just my be a way of communicating that your kid can teach you.