Masks for dating
Annie at Smart at Love wrote another great article, How real are you during the early stages of dating and relationships? This one asks the question: If we are going to wear a mask of politeness and urbane behavior for our first date(s), when are we going to show our true selves?
We all do it. We have to. Mother forced us to distinguish between ‘at home’ and ‘in public’, with different sets of manners. Different behaviors are appropriate. Little things, like ‘Don’t pick your nose at the table when company is here.’ (I actually heard Diane tell her son Mike that, age 4.)
When we go out ‘in public’, we are told to wear up-scale clothes — horrors that we should be comfortable. ‘In public’ clothes should be ‘nice’, and ‘formal’. So we suit up our guys for battle, and strip our women to ornament our men. And call this ‘formal’. In our society, taking a woman with enough boobs showing to demonstrate they really are ‘perky’ or ‘huge’ or whatever, really does improve the social standing of the guy that brung her. I guess in a way that is true — the dress is a landmark, usually, of conspicuous consumption (’See how successful I am that I can spend a lot on something that will never feed my family, will never put a roof over our heads, never give us more or happier children, never improve the work I do. Not just a comfort thing above the necessities, not just any old luxury, but a real, true, ‘tasteful’ sex object. I mean, gaudy display.’)
In public, we are to act different — ‘polite’, ‘nice’. Those that learn the etiquette of being host learn that the social role is to make the guest comfortable, welcome, and empowered (’The guest is always right’, Mother said.)
So we find ourselves with a date. And snce our choice is essentially ‘at home’ or ‘in public’, we put on a public show. We dress up. We exert ourselves to make our date comfortable, welcome, empowered. As Mother taught us, we suppress our real feelings, our desires, to make the occasion ’special’ for our date. Mother promised that this was expected, and that we have to do this or we will be ‘bad’. And we don’t want our date to think we are ‘bad’.
So, as mother taught us, we put on the mask of politeness.
This isn’t entirely a bad thing. If the prospect is showing their best ‘company’ style and behavior, you have to assume that any flaws are permanent, will haunt your ‘in public’ time for years, and *will* be passed on to your children, the neighbor children, nieces, nephews, etc. There may be some adjustment in the future, but don’t count on it. Does your date understand what ‘respect’ and ‘integrity’ are? If you don’t see that here, be polite but end it. If they can’t even manage a pretense of respect, honor, integrity during the ‘be formal, nice, and polite’ adventure, it won’t be there later.
The first date should start with simple facades, a mask showing only Emily Post manners and nothing else to detract from the impression. Hints and bits of true personality that leak through are important. The timing — too soon, or too long wooden. What leaks through — endearing, a challenge, or repugnant. Any time your date makes you feel uncomfortable, make a note. There is always a reason for a second chance, but danger signals and warnings need to be understood. Remember there are men and women out there with AIDS and HIV dating like heck out of anger — of they are going to die of the disease, they won’t die alone. Unless you grab a kid out of Junior High or High School, likely someone has turned him down or dumped him. You need to know if the last one to dump him had good cause.
So you wear your mask, and watch your partner’s mask, and take turns letting bits and pieces show through, over time. That is, more than just a couple of dates before you bare your soul. Time, as in 10 to 50 hours of shared breaths (face-to-face, holding-hands close, physically present in each other’s company time).
Sometimes the mask comes off with the first intimate (skin-to-skin below the shoulders) encounter, a kind of ‘completion of the introduction’, where your attention to your partner (or yourself), your skills and preferences, your feelings of endearment, boredom, repulsion, or delight, all these come out eventually. For some it is the first intimate encounter. Others hold onto the mask as if there were nothing, or at least nothing appropriate in polite society, or even ‘at home’, under the mask. Imagine dating a person in organized crime or a foreign intelligence service that wants as much of a marriage as possible, but they will never tell the truth about themselves. If your date is that private, even after several dates and much shared breaths time, you had better decide if you want to live like that, because you will likely never get past those barriers.
When do you take off your mask? You take it off gradually, a bit at a time, as soon as you can. When can you take off your mask? You take it off when you find your date wanting that bit to show through. Your date sets the pace for your to dissolve your mask, as you set the pace for your date.
If your date isn’t sharing enough, then examine the two likeliest reasons: a) The date isn’t able to share that (fear, legal restrictions, family emotional baggage or training); or b) You haven’t expressed any interest in that bit, or have prevented your date from sharing that bit.
Complicated? You bet. Of course, you don’t have to think of the tactic as a ‘mask’. You might also think of yourself showing an interest for another’s comfort, or that you are focused on making the date fun, rewarding, interesting, and an opportunity to generate another date.
Mommy would be so proud that her little darling is ‘polite’.