It’s About Making Babies!

OK, I am going to go out on a limb. In the 1970’s in a college class I was told that the prevalent form of marriage in the world was arrangement by the parents. I know that wasn’t the case in 1971 in Iowa, at least among the families that I knew.

Don’t look over there, don’t look here. Ask for help. I think the best way to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right, is to ask a happily married woman for an introduction. Don’t drag home the cutest thing you can find and exclaim, “Isn’t he/she great!” You already have one foot on the banana peel — no one at that point will give you a useful, straight answer. You are being rude to your family and friends to ask such a question.

If Dad is well adjusted, mostly cheerful, and appears to be not just resigned, but to enjoy his life, then if Mom is also happy, ask her. If not your parents, find another couple that meets these requirements. Preferably a couple with kids at least half-grown or more.

See, you need someone to ignore the obvious — style, looks, possessions. What you really need is background on their family — stability, unusual or unsavory stuff, history of making responsible choices. You need to know what he works at, how his co-workers and friends view him. What the neighborhood knows about the family, any concerns about them.

His father was an alcoholic? That doesn’t make him one. But he has lived with one for years, and that kind of environment is different from a home without an alcoholic. Her sister left school for pregnancy? That doesn’t mean she is promiscuous. But she comes from the same environment that spurred her sister to rebellion or escapism. His parents are divorced? He grew up in a disfunctional family, so you can’t make many assumptions about what he views as family values. Her parents are from different races/cultures/religions? She may have much wider understanding of culture/religion/race than you. His brother is gay? He may have much stronger feelings about homosexuality, either supportive, against, or mixed. She grew up in a broken home? She may have much more experience in some mature roles, grown up without certain supports and sources of information and nurture.

He dresses funny? Oops. It turns out that some guys do. It seems to be a guy thing, you may have to learn to live with it.

When the liberals started advocating a purely level ‘playing field’ in the early 1960’s, they did a lot of good for society. Assuming and treating everyone around us as equals is a good and necessary attitude. But when choosing a mate, we need to consider carefully each aspect of values, morals, customs, and beliefs, which we want to reinforce, which we are inclined to do different, and which we are open to learning new. In order to make those kinds of evaluations we have to start with who our prospect is, what their actions say about them, and what environment shaped their lives.

Yes, people can change. But historically, wives and husbands have a really poor record for changing habits and attitudes in their spouses. He may have a bright smile. Does he use it to charm every girl he meets, intimately? She may dress really hot. Does her last date respect her? How regularly is she in an intimate relationship?

The values and judgements that make for strong relationships are first-hand knowlege for a happily married mother of a couple of teenagers or older kids.

I have heard parents tell their kids ‘don’t play with such and so, they don’t come from a good family’. Public schools, under pressure because of federal funding, take the position that ‘elitist’ talk is antisocial. I have to both agree and disagree. I agree with the parent, in that if you pick those people that live the same values and morals that you do, you will each reinforce ‘good’ behavior. Then, if you find a close friend, a prospective mate, among those similar-valued friends, your chances for a strong relationship are pretty good. You both have experience living with people with good morals, discipline, and respect, and your prospect is also used to living responsibly, in company of responsible people.

Preventing parents from picking and choosing who their children associate with — something that church schools promise, and drug awareness programs advocate — breaks down barriers between ethnic and social groups, gives the underprivileged a chance to rise. It also gives us the chance to break through social barriers that hide the fact that others can also be ethical and joyful, and good potential mates. But suppressing discussion about differences, both artificial and real cultural, racial, ethical, religious, and economic differences, means that kids don’t have access to essential information on how to successfully pick a good mate.

The movie Hitch is entertaining. If you look behind the plot you see some interesting byplays. You see most of the characters acting surprisingly ethical. Hitch seems to be the most ’situational ethics’ driven, but he, too, eventually falls for the Right Woman in the right way. Surprisingly, we actually see a film about establishing committed relationships. One character that is abusive, gets Hitch’s cold shoulder — wait, is Hollywood actually implying we should avoid abusive behavior? That one-night stands (’I never saw anyone get dressed that fast’) can be hurtful?

Or that a responsible person takes responsibility for the people he introduces to others? Whether your tradition uses a Baba to arrange introductions, parents, brothers and sisters, a matchmaking service or professional, having someone responsible to recommend a prospect has to be infuriorating.

Umm, I mean we need to change how we look at such recommendations, and consider the prospect carefully, and the recommendation thankfully. Someone that has read one or two (joke) books since High School will have no trouble giving a friend any book from any store. An avid mystery or romance reader make take hours to select the right book to express the right meanings and feelings to a friend. A happily married woman, once you let her know you are interested in meeting a ‘good’ prospect, is quite likely to come up with a stable, family-oriented person well able to help you build a good home.

Blessed be!

I got my hair cut the other day. The lady at the local shop has been cutting my hair since 1999, nice enough girl, but does a very nice, clean haircut.

‘A’ commented that her husband was coming to get the pickup she drive to work, to help his mother move … in with her boyfriend. ‘A’ felt that this was pretty sudden, just five (5) weeks after they met and three (3) months after her (the mother’s) divorce. I ask ‘A’ how her course work was going, she said she was a month from finishing her Associates degree (retail management), and was going for her Bachelor’s degree. But no more summer school. “They cram so much stuff into just six(6) weeks, it is too much.” Feeling rather contrary, I pointed out how she though so much happened in six (6) weeks of summer school, but thought five (5) weeks was such a short time for her mother-in-law to decide to move in. For some reason, I appeared to get away with my witticism. Generous lady, ‘A’.

Different cultures and different reasons come up with all kinds of artificial customs aimed at achieving one thing — getting babies made. Whether social pressures of the ‘I want grandbabies before I am too old to spoil them’, songs about how the wedding was formal because the father of the bride carried a white shotgun. In the US 40 years ago there was widespread expectation that couples would be married before sharing a residence, or even a private hour or two (as opposed to the problem today, apparently of getting the kids to move out to any other residence).

On that last — up until the ‘Summer of Love’ (1960’s) the basic concept in the US was that marriage was the most effective way to provide for babies. And there was a strong preconception that people that didn’t grow up in a ‘good’ home were less desirable as mates for your children. Christian practice at the time was that a man or woman needed to be married to avoid sinning or messing around. One report has Marilyn Monroe’s parents setting up a marriage for her when she was 16, to keep her from running around. Relics of that theme are still present today in many ceremonies. How many couples consider today that prominent seating of the parents and the ‘giving away’ of the bride by the father were intended to actually represent that each family had evaluated and approved of the other family as well as the individual wanting to marry their child? Instead, again since the ‘Summer of Love’ but beginning in the 1950’s (early TV shows like Dobie Gillis?) young people have demanded to ‘make their own choices’.

Only how do we teach our youngster — or our parents-in-law — how to make a good choice? What do we use as a measure, to decide when to say ‘I am happy for you’, or ‘that person presents some problems for me, such as …’? Where did we get the notion that abusive behavior — lying to our family — is preferred to avoiding problems? I prefer the advice Patricia Arquette gets in Holy Matrimony, from her 13 year old brother-in-law/husband: Is his word golden, is he good with animals and children?

I would think that if we look for basic parenting skills — disciplined behavior, takes a nurturing interest in those around them, consistent values, respectful and generous behavior to all, someone that takes responsibility for their actions, and has high expectations of those around them — would be a very good step. Someone that appears to find joy in their life, not prone to social evils such as gossip or other demeaning behavior. The problem? Finding out for sure if the smile is a general welcome, or a special appreciation that could grow to true commitment — to building a home for raising babies.

‘A’ doesn’t have to expect that Grandma (’A’s little one is featured in many pictures at her sork station) will be raising babies. A home with honorable people, with an aptitude and skills for raising children, will also be a safe, comfortable, happy and rewarding home, for everyone fortunate enough to live or visit.

Could it be that Grandma has known her boyfriend for many years, and only recently considered an intimate relationship, making her choice not only sudden, but well reasoned? Could be.

Could Grandma, like many divorced men and women, be looking not for a partner, but for someone that remedies specific lacks or problems from the previous relationship? The potential mate is then evaluated only on the strongest feelings of hurt, shame, or desire that dominated the previous relationship. The evaluation is only superficial and often overlooks serious problems and disconnects. The result, is that occasionally the new couple finds happiness. More often, the lack of time and balanced appreciation of each other leads to gross mistakes regarding each other’s feelings, values, ideas, possessions, and ethics. Mistakes that either uncover problem areas, or introduce horrendous and irreconcilable hurts.

OK — infuriating statistics time. I was told it takes 2 1/2 years to get over a divorce. For a man. A woman takes 3 1/2 years, on average. ‘On average’ means that for every woman that truly recovers in 1 month, there is a woman that takes 7 years. That also means that it really does take a few years to rediscover or establish an independent set of values, beliefs, and morals that are consistent and comfortable, and based on the individual rather than emulating or defying the previous partner. So what are the odds, that someone jumping into a relationship 2 months after a divorce will find someone that looks like the previous partner, talks like the previous partner, and has more flaws than the previous partner? Oops, I see this happening fairly regularly.