Why did she do that?!
I got my hair cut the other day. The lady at the local shop has been cutting my hair since 1999, nice enough girl, but does a very nice, clean haircut.
‘A’ commented that her husband was coming to get the pickup she drive to work, to help his mother move … in with her boyfriend. ‘A’ felt that this was pretty sudden, just five (5) weeks after they met and three (3) months after her (the mother’s) divorce. I ask ‘A’ how her course work was going, she said she was a month from finishing her Associates degree (retail management), and was going for her Bachelor’s degree. But no more summer school. “They cram so much stuff into just six(6) weeks, it is too much.” Feeling rather contrary, I pointed out how she though so much happened in six (6) weeks of summer school, but thought five (5) weeks was such a short time for her mother-in-law to decide to move in. For some reason, I appeared to get away with my witticism. Generous lady, ‘A’.
Different cultures and different reasons come up with all kinds of artificial customs aimed at achieving one thing — getting babies made. Whether social pressures of the ‘I want grandbabies before I am too old to spoil them’, songs about how the wedding was formal because the father of the bride carried a white shotgun. In the US 40 years ago there was widespread expectation that couples would be married before sharing a residence, or even a private hour or two (as opposed to the problem today, apparently of getting the kids to move out to any other residence).
On that last — up until the ‘Summer of Love’ (1960’s) the basic concept in the US was that marriage was the most effective way to provide for babies. And there was a strong preconception that people that didn’t grow up in a ‘good’ home were less desirable as mates for your children. Christian practice at the time was that a man or woman needed to be married to avoid sinning or messing around. One report has Marilyn Monroe’s parents setting up a marriage for her when she was 16, to keep her from running around. Relics of that theme are still present today in many ceremonies. How many couples consider today that prominent seating of the parents and the ‘giving away’ of the bride by the father were intended to actually represent that each family had evaluated and approved of the other family as well as the individual wanting to marry their child? Instead, again since the ‘Summer of Love’ but beginning in the 1950’s (early TV shows like Dobie Gillis?) young people have demanded to ‘make their own choices’.
Only how do we teach our youngster — or our parents-in-law — how to make a good choice? What do we use as a measure, to decide when to say ‘I am happy for you’, or ‘that person presents some problems for me, such as …’? Where did we get the notion that abusive behavior — lying to our family — is preferred to avoiding problems? I prefer the advice Patricia Arquette gets in Holy Matrimony, from her 13 year old brother-in-law/husband: Is his word golden, is he good with animals and children?
I would think that if we look for basic parenting skills — disciplined behavior, takes a nurturing interest in those around them, consistent values, respectful and generous behavior to all, someone that takes responsibility for their actions, and has high expectations of those around them — would be a very good step. Someone that appears to find joy in their life, not prone to social evils such as gossip or other demeaning behavior. The problem? Finding out for sure if the smile is a general welcome, or a special appreciation that could grow to true commitment — to building a home for raising babies.
‘A’ doesn’t have to expect that Grandma (’A’s little one is featured in many pictures at her sork station) will be raising babies. A home with honorable people, with an aptitude and skills for raising children, will also be a safe, comfortable, happy and rewarding home, for everyone fortunate enough to live or visit.
Could it be that Grandma has known her boyfriend for many years, and only recently considered an intimate relationship, making her choice not only sudden, but well reasoned? Could be.
Could Grandma, like many divorced men and women, be looking not for a partner, but for someone that remedies specific lacks or problems from the previous relationship? The potential mate is then evaluated only on the strongest feelings of hurt, shame, or desire that dominated the previous relationship. The evaluation is only superficial and often overlooks serious problems and disconnects. The result, is that occasionally the new couple finds happiness. More often, the lack of time and balanced appreciation of each other leads to gross mistakes regarding each other’s feelings, values, ideas, possessions, and ethics. Mistakes that either uncover problem areas, or introduce horrendous and irreconcilable hurts.
OK — infuriating statistics time. I was told it takes 2 1/2 years to get over a divorce. For a man. A woman takes 3 1/2 years, on average. ‘On average’ means that for every woman that truly recovers in 1 month, there is a woman that takes 7 years. That also means that it really does take a few years to rediscover or establish an independent set of values, beliefs, and morals that are consistent and comfortable, and based on the individual rather than emulating or defying the previous partner. So what are the odds, that someone jumping into a relationship 2 months after a divorce will find someone that looks like the previous partner, talks like the previous partner, and has more flaws than the previous partner? Oops, I see this happening fairly regularly.