How to find Mr. Right
OK, I am going to go out on a limb. In the 1970’s in a college class I was told that the prevalent form of marriage in the world was arrangement by the parents. I know that wasn’t the case in 1971 in Iowa, at least among the families that I knew.
Don’t look over there, don’t look here. Ask for help. I think the best way to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right, is to ask a happily married woman for an introduction. Don’t drag home the cutest thing you can find and exclaim, “Isn’t he/she great!” You already have one foot on the banana peel — no one at that point will give you a useful, straight answer. You are being rude to your family and friends to ask such a question.
If Dad is well adjusted, mostly cheerful, and appears to be not just resigned, but to enjoy his life, then if Mom is also happy, ask her. If not your parents, find another couple that meets these requirements. Preferably a couple with kids at least half-grown or more.
See, you need someone to ignore the obvious — style, looks, possessions. What you really need is background on their family — stability, unusual or unsavory stuff, history of making responsible choices. You need to know what he works at, how his co-workers and friends view him. What the neighborhood knows about the family, any concerns about them.
His father was an alcoholic? That doesn’t make him one. But he has lived with one for years, and that kind of environment is different from a home without an alcoholic. Her sister left school for pregnancy? That doesn’t mean she is promiscuous. But she comes from the same environment that spurred her sister to rebellion or escapism. His parents are divorced? He grew up in a disfunctional family, so you can’t make many assumptions about what he views as family values. Her parents are from different races/cultures/religions? She may have much wider understanding of culture/religion/race than you. His brother is gay? He may have much stronger feelings about homosexuality, either supportive, against, or mixed. She grew up in a broken home? She may have much more experience in some mature roles, grown up without certain supports and sources of information and nurture.
He dresses funny? Oops. It turns out that some guys do. It seems to be a guy thing, you may have to learn to live with it.
When the liberals started advocating a purely level ‘playing field’ in the early 1960’s, they did a lot of good for society. Assuming and treating everyone around us as equals is a good and necessary attitude. But when choosing a mate, we need to consider carefully each aspect of values, morals, customs, and beliefs, which we want to reinforce, which we are inclined to do different, and which we are open to learning new. In order to make those kinds of evaluations we have to start with who our prospect is, what their actions say about them, and what environment shaped their lives.
Yes, people can change. But historically, wives and husbands have a really poor record for changing habits and attitudes in their spouses. He may have a bright smile. Does he use it to charm every girl he meets, intimately? She may dress really hot. Does her last date respect her? How regularly is she in an intimate relationship?
The values and judgements that make for strong relationships are first-hand knowlege for a happily married mother of a couple of teenagers or older kids.
I have heard parents tell their kids ‘don’t play with such and so, they don’t come from a good family’. Public schools, under pressure because of federal funding, take the position that ‘elitist’ talk is antisocial. I have to both agree and disagree. I agree with the parent, in that if you pick those people that live the same values and morals that you do, you will each reinforce ‘good’ behavior. Then, if you find a close friend, a prospective mate, among those similar-valued friends, your chances for a strong relationship are pretty good. You both have experience living with people with good morals, discipline, and respect, and your prospect is also used to living responsibly, in company of responsible people.
Preventing parents from picking and choosing who their children associate with — something that church schools promise, and drug awareness programs advocate — breaks down barriers between ethnic and social groups, gives the underprivileged a chance to rise. It also gives us the chance to break through social barriers that hide the fact that others can also be ethical and joyful, and good potential mates. But suppressing discussion about differences, both artificial and real cultural, racial, ethical, religious, and economic differences, means that kids don’t have access to essential information on how to successfully pick a good mate.
The movie Hitch is entertaining. If you look behind the plot you see some interesting byplays. You see most of the characters acting surprisingly ethical. Hitch seems to be the most ’situational ethics’ driven, but he, too, eventually falls for the Right Woman in the right way. Surprisingly, we actually see a film about establishing committed relationships. One character that is abusive, gets Hitch’s cold shoulder — wait, is Hollywood actually implying we should avoid abusive behavior? That one-night stands (’I never saw anyone get dressed that fast’) can be hurtful?
Or that a responsible person takes responsibility for the people he introduces to others? Whether your tradition uses a Baba to arrange introductions, parents, brothers and sisters, a matchmaking service or professional, having someone responsible to recommend a prospect has to be infuriorating.
Umm, I mean we need to change how we look at such recommendations, and consider the prospect carefully, and the recommendation thankfully. Someone that has read one or two (joke) books since High School will have no trouble giving a friend any book from any store. An avid mystery or romance reader make take hours to select the right book to express the right meanings and feelings to a friend. A happily married woman, once you let her know you are interested in meeting a ‘good’ prospect, is quite likely to come up with a stable, family-oriented person well able to help you build a good home.
Blessed be!