It’s About Making Babies!

The state of Oklahoma is running a series of ads, snippets of ‘teens’ ‘telling’ parents to ‘talk to them’ about sex. This follows other series on talking about drugs, tobacco, etc.

Of course, it is apparent on this site at least that I find that sex, dating, marriage, cohabiting, casual ‘encounters’, flings, affairs, ‘desparate’ stuff, it is all based on making babies. We are drawn to interpersonal, intimate encounters because that is how our bodies are intended to act. You can read the collected dialogues of Plato from ancient Greece and find that men must take a wife, by law, to provide sons to serve the army of the state. You can read the Old Testament of the Bible and find that God commands ‘be fruitful and multiply’, and ‘don’t let your seed be wasted on the ground’. In the New Testament ’suffer the children to come unto me’. Various societies view children as ‘a gift of God’ or ‘the product of love’. Other cultures find children that survive and pass tests into adulthood are treasures of the community.

And that doesn’t even come close to teenagers wanting to ‘bump uglies’ (”Van Wilder” movie).

So when a kid wants to know about sex, the answers can actually be pretty straight forward.
1) Dating is a process of selecting a mate. The purpose is to evalualte the life skills and experience of a prospective co-parent, as well as whether the two of them can coexist to form a nurturing home. Your church may have teaching that give clues to what to look for. If nothing else, check out ‘Holy Matrimony’, a movie with Patricia Arquette: ‘Is his word golden? Is he gentle with children and animals? Is his faith strong, and consistent with yours?’ Note the lack of concern about cheerleading, football, ability to get dates with ‘hot’ kids in class. Many of these ’status symbols’ become distracting or worse than useless at the moment marriage vows are said, or when a baby is born.
2) Sex is intended to produce babies. Casual sex, recreational sex, or ‘I can make you do what I want’ bullying sex are distractions from the basic principle. Hint: Forced sex or sex by coercion, deception, bullying, etc. means that the opponent or ‘partner’ is UNFIT TO BE A PARENT. That is, they FAIL the evaluation, and must be lumped in with all the other people that you cannot afford to spend time with.
3) Life is short. You cannot afford to fritter away courting time with people that aren’t going to pass the ‘prospective co-parent’ evaluation.
4) Your body, your family, and your community and country expect you to make babies. Having sex that doesn’t go toward making babies helps no one. What is expected is that you are intending to make a baby each and every time you start rubbing up against that ‘cute’ person, that you have responsibly planned for the baby, and that you have formed a nurturing home to care for and raise the coming baby.
5) Sex is literally life and death. It wasn’t all that long ago that ’shotgun weddings’ were the normal response of finding kids being too intimate, often before the first actual sexual contact. In some ways it still happens. I can almost guarantee that it will be a surprise to find that your partner has the kind of family willing and able to enforce such a response. As we learned in Forest Gump: Stuff Happens.

I have never advocated ‘abstinence’ as something worthwhile to propose to someone else. It sounds stupid, and it is negative. When I go to the grocery store and look at the kids running from aisle to aisle, Mom is usually yelling ‘Stop that! Leave that alone!’, etc. I also look at the quiet kids standing with a hand on the cart, with an occaisional reminder from Mom ‘keep your hand on the cart’. And about 90% of the time, the Mom’s taking the negative ‘Don’t be bad!’ approach have unruly kids, and the positive ‘keep your hand on the cart’ Mom’s have kids that seldom disrupt others.

So why would we expect ‘don’t have sex’ to have a desired impact on 90% of kids? How about ‘Make babies only when you are prepared for the baby’?

I observed a couple browsing at a friend’s tack store. They were younger, he in jeans, she in bib overalls. I noticed they were both smiling, and seemed a bit silly, and clearly ‘vacationing’ from responsibility. As they left a clerk commented ‘I wanted to tell her to tuck those boobs away, they were about to fall out all over!’ Curious. I hadn’t noticed such a problem.

I can think of several reasons for the lady to have dressed as she was. I had assumed that she was dressed to work with or ride horses. And that she dressed to be safe (no loose clothes or straps) and comfortable. Of course, she might have dressed ‘provocatively’ to gain the young man’s attention — or worse, to my mind, to reward him for spending time with her, or to hold his attention.

I was told when I got my first horse to ’start out as you mean to go on’. If you will expect discipline, respect, obedience, then that has to govern your actions and responses to the horse as he exits the trailer or truck.

How much more true should that be for prospective mates? If the purpose of acquiring a mate is for a showpiece, then you want to shop around for the showiest eye candy you can afford, I suppose. How rude will it then be after the wedding to start thinking you need her to keep house, be responsible with funds and time, avoid social problems by not dressing the way you required while dating?

Can we find a mate without playing the ‘I am sexy’ game? Should the amount of assets involved be the criteria?

I think ideally a woman that wants to be a parent should dress as a parent. How much makeup should a mother of four be wearing, as the kids arrive home from school and they change to do chores? Should the lady looking for a mate dress and make up any different? If she dresses plain and responsible, it might make it easier for a guy to think of her as a mother to his kids. If she looks for ‘good looking dates that feel good’ at the local bar, what does that say about her values, skills, and interest in a responsible life?

Why would anyone, guy or gal, take the time out of their lives for the kind of person they meet in a bar?

Of course, something must be said about hitting Church to look for a mate. If you attend services and activities solely to find a prospective mate, then you are also headed for trouble. Anyone meeting someone at church is expected to figure their match is attenting church to express their spirituality. Be honest with what you say with your life.

In some ways we have a vicious cycle going. Girl dresses sexy to meet some guy. Guy always sees girl dressed sexy. Guy gives girl sexy lingerie, thinking she likes that stuff. Girl wears sexy crap to honor the guy’s gift, which he then figures she likes being sexy for him… Where does this wind down to respect for each other, meaningful communication, and building responsible lives? Difficult, huh.

I have always been a nerd, not quite smart enough to be a geek. I personally avoid ‘beautiful’ people, especially women. Anyone that is ‘beautiful’ usually buys that beauty in jars and bottles, and takes the time to apply the stuff. Same with clothes. Instead of dressing sensibly in durable clothes for activities that make sense to me, they dress to make trouble for those around them. Hint: If you see a garment that exposes a portion of the side or center of breast and conceals the rest, the person wearing that garment is highlighting the aspect of their being that is the most valuable thing they have to offer their community. And frankly, cleavage has very little value in trying to care for livestock, put up hay, make deliveries, and interact with responsible people.

Darryl Hannah tells Dudley Moore in the movie ‘Crazy People’ that ‘Pretty girls are breaking everybody’s back’.

My solution: Tell kids that makeup, ‘hot’ movie and music stars, sexy TV ads and clothes are all about making babies. No more, no less. Teach your daughters to apply makeup — also explain that putting on makeup makes a statement that they want someone to make babies with them. Tell boys that pretty girls are nice, but pick the girls without makeup, that act responsibly. Point out that making out and cuddling are natural to boys and girls — and are all about making babies. Teach your kids to respond to inner value, to know what they want to accomplish in life, and how to pick a mate that will help make that goal come true.

Blessed be,

Brad K.