Dating Mama’s Boy
>> Dear Laurie,
>> My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. With a promise (from
>> him) to be married some day or to at least move out of his mother’s house.
>> I have my own home. Oh yeah, he’s 38 years old. Any hope of this ever
>> happening?
>> Signed: Mama’s boy lover in waiting
>
>> A: Dear Boy Lover, Because that’s what you are–you are the lover of a boy
>> who, for whatever reason, has not, at the advanced age of 38, grown into a
>> man. Will he ever? Who knows!? Better question? Who cares?!
Yuck. This exchange was so uplifing I feel compelled to express my own thoughts. Actually, I think the question is short-sighted, and the answer is unadulterated, hateful gossip.
I happen to think that the extended family under a single roof is a good thing. Whether a person is thinking in adult mode or child mode is often set by the company they keep, and I don’t think living with parents or other family is a strong indication. Note that there are countless men and women living in the same house, the same neighborhood, city, state, or country that spend all their time thinking about their parents, other family, or just people other than those they have sworn to care for. There are also countless people that share houses, cities, etc. that manage all their personal and social responsibilities (I know more that come close than those that actually manage to cover everything).
Hint: I believe that you have to know the family and background of your Significant Other/Prospective Mate, in order to make a considered choice. Whether his mother is in the next room or next state, you better get a clear handle on who has responsibility for what in your life and your mate’s. The phrase ‘back seat driver’ comes to mind, as Mom never leaves the picture, short of a deliberate act to sever communications by the child. The baggage of the parenting your Mate grew up with will lasts generations — for good or ill.
I find it funny that someone commenting on another’s maturity by calling names, is so quick to disparage and dishonor another person’s parents, let alone the victim of the scathing repartee. ‘Mama’s Boy’ is not just a slam at the man in your life, it is discourteous and disrespectful of the parent. I find gossip one of the true social evils; nothing good can come of it.
Why would someone find themselves in such a situation? Often the cause is inertia — we tend to accept almost anything right up until something crosses a line and an avalanche of dissatisfaction sweeps change into our lives. You may wait for your mate to take responsibility for saying ‘enough’. The reality is that you look at what he gives you — there is no such thing as bad sex, you have discovered most of his quirks and none cross that ‘avalanche’ threshhold, most people provide some services or conveniences to the people around them, and you don’t see a lot of better choices around you. In short, it is more convenient to let him linger than to evaluate your own needs, work toward a more satisfying situation that better meets your own needs, and take responsibility for your own needs.
First you need to explore and discover precisely what your needs are. An objective, definite need is seldom expressed ’someone that doesn’t leave the toilet seat up’. Seriously, your needs have to do with values — honesty, integrity. How you present yourself and your family, in public and in private. What value learning, teaching, nurturing, husbandry, and charity have in your life. Once you understand what you need to do for yourself, it will be clear that you should either enlist your mate’s aid in what you intend to do to get your own needs taken care of, or you will free your mate to make his life elsewhere. I figure that anyone that takes on livestock takes on a responsibility to sell or put down that livestock when the time comes for either — that is only responsible. For the people in our lives we acquire similar responsibilities — to cherish them, do them no harm, be honest in what we intend to offer of ourselves, and be honest when we change our minds. When our needs change, or we are late in recognizing what our needs really are, we should not blame or mates or prospective mates. Often our indecision causes others conflict, frustration, and hurt. Being honest and timely is tough, much harder to do.
For the most part, there are some fundamentals that a mate needs, but they are not that hard to meet — integrity, honesty, honor, responsibility, joy. Not humor — humor requires pain (see my comments above about gossip). Joy is a gladness and celebration of the life around us, from baby chicks and kittens and baby calves to new grass coming in the pasture. For the rest, as we live these values, those around us will, too. Where we have conflicts we need to learn to balance what we need to sustain our lives and values against what we are willing to compromise to support others and their affairs. Often an honest appraisal will show that supporting your mate or family member requires no sacrifice at all. You must show your mate the same degree of respect and honor you show your horse. Neither will serve you well or safely without that. Remember that any discourtesy of failure to honor another slows your own personal growth. You need to choose whether to sustain your own efforts to live a respectful, honorable life, or abandon yourself to gossip and wondering why the world is so bleak.
Let us suppose this guy’s mother is named ‘Ruth’. Now instead of worrying about whether the guy should leave Ruth to live with you, ponder this: Would you require him to leave Ruth to make other accomodations if you knew she was an honorable person — and the guy’s dependent daughter?
As for spending five years with another adult — really. Either you are interested in making babies, and are working at making a home to raise them, or you are not. After a year or more I question that you really care about being mated. It is not that the prospective mate is shy of commitment, the real issue is that neither of you is interested in a home with babies, conceived or adopted. The *problem* is that you have not yet identified your needs, and you have not decided that anything that fails to help meet those needs is a waste of your time. Also, you are probably in trouble over communications. If you were honestly communicating with each other, you would both have been aware (for four years, nine months) that you were unsure of your values, and unwilling to work to meet your own needs.
If you look around you, you will find that honest people tend to live in ‘honest people’ groups. They don’t have time for people with flexible definitions of honest, and people less focused on honesty tend to find the truly honest … uncomfortable.
To sum up — you have spent five years with a guy, and you describe him as ‘lives with his mother’. If this is all you see when you look at him, and you are still ‘with’ him, then you are, right now, where you want to be. If you cannot see more of the man than that he lives with his mother, then how do you expect God to open your eyes to see in honesty any other man? First, apologize to the guy for not learning, in five years, to see who he is and what he means in your life — you need to make the apology ten times worse than he needs to hear it. Next, figure out who you are, and what you need to do to become the person you want to be. Lastly, meditate, pray, and communicate with your guy to understand what you need to do with the rest of your life.
Luck,
Brad K.