Rules of Parenting 3 — Growth Is Measured in Pain
Watching the ending to Spanglish (2004 Christmas movie, Tea Leonil and Adam Sandler), I recall watching Christina rebel and hurt. And how her mother gave her some space to experience that pain, without trying to intervene, correct, instruct, or defend herself.
Yesterday a lady that works in a local store was ragging on her husband — how he consistently dropped his pants on the floor, not in the laundry basket. She went on about how inconsiderate men are. I jokingly told her that that was the reason we (men) bought them (women in our lives) chairs — to hang our pants on. I (jokingly) continued that it was obvious, and we (men) figured that sooner or later *some* learning ought to take place. What I meant but didn’t say was to stop whatever she was doing to change things — if it doesn’t work, you are doing something wrong.
Now back to Spanglish, and Tea Leoni’s parent character, Deb. Deb makes several intolerably cruel and criminal mistakes in trying to provide herself with a ‘thin’ and ‘pretty’ daughter (Christina), including kidnapping the maid’s daughter for a day, horribly manipulating Christina, abusively humiliates her own daughter at every step when she deigns to notice the talented girl. Deb throws a tantrum at her husband (Sandler) for ‘we have to be on the same page when we discipline our daughter’ but completely and abusively refuses to communicate about what Sandler (and most of the thinking world, I imagine, outside Rodeo Drive) feels are values and what are issues to deal with. At one point Deb’s alchoholic mother (a delightful Chloris Leachman) tells Deb ‘The low self esteem you have been feeling lately, has just been good common sense.’ This ought to be the movie quote of the year.
We plainly see the desparation that Deb is feeling. We fail to see why the other adults in her life keep *enabling* her anti-social behavior. But then, I have seen less extreme examples at little league games, junior high and basketball games, and at school band and chorus events over the last 40 years. Deb openly lies to the adults around her, in front of children, to manipulate events and people to suit her — and her riches and irresponsible behavior turn Christine’s head. When the maid takes a stand and leaves the household, Christine feel bereft of her new rich and fun ‘friend’ (there has been no parenting from Deb, to either girl). We see, in the final few minutes of the movie, that Chritine’s mother is not ‘weathering the storm’ of her daughter’s public (middle of the street) tantrum — the mother is wise, caring, and understanding of how her daughter is feeling pain and confusion at this change. Many of us, in the cast of characters and in the audience, recognized that Deb’s manipulation was wrong. Christine’s pain at leaving the unhealthy situation is a big part of why. Christine’s mother gently guide’s her daughter to examine what really hurts, to recognize that Christine and her mother love each other very much.
I saw a review that claims there are two stories in the movie, between the mothers and their daughters. Bah. We see vignettes about how Deb neglects and abuses her own daughter, lies and (clumsily) manipulates those around her, and communicates with no one. The only mother-daughter communication we see is Deb being lectured by her mother after confessing adultery. We see Adam Sandler (a vice, in the Olde Theatre sense?) provide a foil for Christine’s mother to accept intimacy while respecting her responsibilities as mother. The story is narrated by Christine, English speaking daughter of a maid that learns English only during the movie. This is Christine’s story, her experience of a glittering but unhealthy Malibu life for awhile, and her return (at least for the length of the closing credits!) to the life of value but less income that her mother lives.
Learning won’t take place if there is emotional distraction. With experience, we recognize the periods of calm when a few words can reach our child, or another. I feel differently today than I did even a year ago about seeing a parent ‘discipline’ a child in public.
Hint: If you are angry, keep your communications to 4-10 words total. All else is wasted and distracting, you are unfair to yourself, and abusive to your kids or friends. *No one* will hear more than 10 words from an angry person. Really.
Hint: Like the horse trainer’s advice (Mary Twelveponies, ‘There Are No Problem Horses, Only Problem Riders’), you have 4 seconds to respond to an act of disrespect, 10 seconds to make the horse (child) *know* he is being killed, use voice and open hand only, lots of voice, and at the end of 10 seconds it is *over*. If you don’t start within 4 seconds, take a different approach — the horse (child) will only know they are being attacked, without knowing why. Even if you think you are trying to explain, you waste your breath, terrorize (abuse) your horse (child), and you lose respect.
Respect is a gift you receive. You cannot buy it, you cannot ‘beat it into’ someone. Respect is much easier to lose than to gain. Like the adage ‘to gain a friend, be a friend’, you can be respectful to those around you — some will respect you in turn, others may need to see qualities they respect in your life. Teaching our horses (children) courtesy is an excellent way to build the foundations of true respect. Courtesy is often the behaviors of people who respect each other, regardless of whether the respect is actually present. Courteous and virtuous behavior is a gift we give others, that often results in recieving courtesy and respect in return.
Blessed be,
Brad K.